Loneliness: How To Feel Connected While Apart

Tis the season for cookouts, pool parties, celebrations, family reunions, and so many get togethers.  Except…we kinda can’t.  Life is different, and we aren’t able do the things we normally love to do with our family and friends.  There’s no big back to school or college celebration.  No birthday parties and holiday get-togethers.  This reality can be a bummer and lead to feelings of loneliness.  While loneliness may not sound like a big deal, it can have negative effects and cause you to have some not so good feelings and symptoms.  So, let’s talk about the effects of loneliness and how to stay connected, even during these unprecedented times.

Uncharted Territory

My family and I just moved back home after being away for 2 years.  The return was bittersweet.  While we are excited to see our family when we have not physically seen in over a year, we weren’t able to hug them.  We had to say our hellos from a safe distance as we quarantine for 2 weeks.  This has been the trend for this year.  Every holiday and celebration has been different.  Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were spent inside.  There was no formal celebration for my daughter who graduated Pre-K.  Recently, my grandmother turned 80 years old! My family had initially wanted to have a big party for her….but COVID.  Yeah, things aren’t going as planned.  We are really living in a different world right now.  And this inability to go out, celebrate one another and even just hug one another, can have a negative impact on some of us.  It can cause you to feel lonely.

Now, I’m sure we’ve all experienced being lonely a time or two throughout life.  It’s normal.  Loneliness, however, is a little different.  Loneliness is an emotion of sadness that occurs more than once a week.  It’s a feeling that can cause you to think that no one is there for you, no one cares, and no one wants to be around you.  There is a difference between being alone and feeling loneliness.  And currently, some of you are having to spend week after week alone and this prolonged experience may begin to bring up feelings of loneliness. 

I know how it feels to be isolated.  This quarantine life kind of represents my normal life.  As a military spouse, I’ve lived in several areas where I knew no one but my husband and kids.  I’ve missed celebrating birthdays, holidays, special occasions with my family and I’ve been limited to seeing all this wonder through an app on my phone.  I’m so thankful for technology, but let’s be honest, it isn’t the same.  For my grandmother’s 80th birthday my family go together and had an amazing car parade for her.  I watched it via facetime and was glad I could experience it in my own way.  I’m used to this life.  We’ve done it for years, but I know that for many of you, this is uncharted territory.  And you may be having a hard time figuring out how to stay connected with others without being able to be in their physical presence. 

What Loneliness Looks Like

So, before we talk about how to stay connected and help decrease feelings of loneliness, let’s talk about why it’s important to not stay in a state of loneliness.  And these reasons aren’t just surface-level reasons such as it doesn’t feel good, everybody needs to feel loved and wanted, but there are psychological reasons why loneliness can be harmful.  While COVID my be the reason you currently feel lonely, there are other possible reasons such as moving to a new location, a recent divorce or breakup, the loss of a loved one, and depression.  Loneliness can contribute to increased alcohol and drug use.  Have you ever found yourself drinking until you passed out because you felt like you were alone?  Or maybe smoking marijuana just to forget about the loneliness you felt that day?  Loneliness can cause depression and suicidal thoughts.  It can spark thoughts of “no one cares about me” or “I’m not important.”  Loneliness can cause poor decision-making.  How many times have you sent that text message to that guy you know that you need to leave alone only to regret it the next day?  Loneliness strikes again.  Loneliness can cause you to become even more antisocial.  You begin to believe that people don’t want to be around you, so to protect yourself, you pull back from everyone.  Or maybe even out of anger, you pull back from others, even when they reach out to you.  In addition, prolonged or chronic loneliness can lead to altered brain function, cardiovascular disease, and stroke.  I want none of this for you guys so let’s talk about how you can try to feel a little less lonely.

How To Break The Feeling of Loneliness

Put your phone down 

Let me inform you of something…social media plays a big part in the increase of loneliness.  I know when you’re on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Snapchat you may feel like you’re interacting with others, but it is truly a pseudo experience.  It may look like you’re cultivating relationships, but oftentimes, you’re really not.  If you’re honest with yourself you’ll admit that you don’t really talk to people and have meaningful conversations on social media.  You’re just exercising your thumb and strolling.  In order to put some time and effort into actual relationships, you gotta put your phone down.

Be Intentional In Your Relationships

After you put your phone down I want you to be intentional in your relationships.  Pre-COVID we could let things flow organically and we’d get to naturally spend time with our friends and family.  We may see them at work. You’d meet for happy hour every Friday.  Things happened naturally.  Not so much now.  You have to be intentional.  You must put in effort to hang out with one another.  If your friends haven’t done so, you become the one to plan your weekly zoom meeting.  Plan drive-by visits.  Make midweek phone calls to check-in.  Plan game nights.  Do what you can.  Don’t sit back and wait for things to fall in place because they probably won’t.  You now have to work at having a relationship with people.  So be intentional.  Make some plans.  And put in the work to make your relationships work.

Set Realistic Expectations   

If you’re already feeling lonely, you probably expect to be rejected.  You probably don’t call your friends because you don’t expect them to answer.  You think they won’t be interested in the ideas I mentioned earlier.  Please, don’t let those negative thoughts take over.  Be real with yourself and try to think rationally as loneliness can cause you to have irrational thoughts.  One unanswered phone call doesn’t mean they don’t care.  Maybe they were genuinely busy at that moment.  Call or text them again later.  I know when I’m in session I don’t respond to anything.  Phone calls, text messages, emails, nothing.  And I would hope that me missing a phone call wouldn’t make my friends think I don’t care.  One decline to get together doesn’t mean your friends don’t want to hang out with you.  Everyone is encouraged to set boundaries, and maybe they truly we not able to participate.  Check your emotions.  Don’t let a “no” cause you to feel unwanted.  Remember that everyone’s life is different.  Have realistic expectations and realize that everyone may not be available when you’d like them to.  People are working from home, homeschooling, and trying to maintain some normalcy in life.  Have realistic expectations and don’t let your assumptions keep you from interacting with those you care about.

Get Creative

Ya’ll, people have been doing some amazing things since COVID.  We’ve found creative ways to give, interact, and get involved.  You can start a virtual book club.  This doesn’t even have to be with people that you know.  You can join a group or create a group.  You can have a movie night virtually or in your back yard using social distancing.  You can have a digital dinner.  There are so many things to do to help things not seem so boring or lonely (Pinterest is a great resource).  This just requires you to try.  It may seem weird, but I believe that if you give some of these unconventional interactions a, try you’ll enjoy it and you’ll be glad you did it.

Shift Your View of Being Alone

Being alone isn’t a bad thing and it doesn’t have to equate to loneliness.  Feeling better may require a mindset shift.  If you are someone who is used to always being around others, you may have a negative view of being alone, and you aren’t even aware of it.  Remember that being in a space by yourself isn’t a bad thing.  This may be a great time to learn more about yourself, to listen to yourself, and to get to know yourself and your desires.  Sometimes the world can be so loud.  Being alone can help you tune out things that don’t matter and help you get in tune with yourself.  Shifting your view of being alone can help you go from feeling lonely to feeling empowered to do things for and by yourself.  Use some of this time to write about your feelings, good or bad.  Use this time to figure out what you enjoy doing in life.  Use this time to implement some much-needed self-care for your mental and physical wellbeing.  Remind yourself that this is a season in life, that will eventually pass…use this time to grow in any way you can.          

Ask For Help

Listen, if you’re feeling lonely and you can’t shake it, ask for help.  Reach out to a trusted friend, a family member, a therapist.  Don’t go through this alone, because even though you may feel lonely, you are not alone.  If you are reading this, you are not alone.  If no one else, I’m here.  Find the resources you need to help pull you out of the darkness.  Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it shows your strength.  So, if everything else that I mentioned doesn’t work or isn’t working for you, ask for help.  Visit my website www.mclaurinmentalwellness.com, talk to your doctor, or reach out to a family member.   

Those are my tips to combating loneliness.  I know we are distant, but you don’t have to feel alone.  Please put some effort into this area of your life.  When we are all able to come out of our homes and be together again, I want you to come out knowing that during one of the toughest time in life you had people in your corner, because you do. 

LaShawnda McLaurin is a licensed clinical mental health counselor offering counseling and coaching services to women, exclusively online. She specialized in anxiety counseling, anxiety, fear, and worry coaching, trauma, and relationship issues. To learn more about LaShawnda’s services click here.