Give Yourself A Break! Handling Mom Guilt

May 12

So, let’s talk about moms. The most amazing creatures on earth, in my opinion, lol. Mom’s do it all, literally. They carry the child, birth them (Whew Lord!), change their diapers, stay up all night when they’re sick, breast feed them, console them when they’re hurt, take them to school, go to PTA meetings, soccer games, band recitals, clean the house, cook the dinner, teach them how to read, write, and do math…and more and more and more. Some moms do all of this while working full time jobs, running businesses. Some are handling it all by themselves as single mothers. Some moms have even sacrificed their careers to take care of their children full time….and yet, even though they do all of this…mom’s still feel like they aren’t doing enough! Mom guilt is real, and the best of the best moms aren’t exempt to feeling this way. Can you relate? Let’s talk about mom guilt, why we have it, and how to get past these feelings.

So before I jump into all of the mom talk some of you without kids may be thinking…is this article for me? Should I just skip this one? Well, let me help you. This is definitely for you too! Even though you may not have kids, having this insight can help you see what you may experience in the future. It can help you see if you really are about that life and ready to have kids, or it can just help you to understand what your friends and family members with kids are going through. For years, none of my friends had kids and I did and I’m sure it was hard for them to understand sometimes why I was tired all the time or why I’d rather take a nap than go hang out. So, a little bit of insight never hurts.

Mom Guilt

I remember back in 2008 when my husband and I were praying for a child and he blessed us with a son. Having him was one of the most joyous days of my life…but along with all that joy came a flood of other emotions I was not expecting. There were days I was so tired and exhausted I didn’t know if I was coming or going. There were days I felt sad because he cried more than I thought he should, so I felt like I was failing. There were times when I was just frustrated because he wouldn’t eat what I was feeding him…again. These feelings came and went with my son and later my daughter…but one of the emotions that seemed to linger around no matter how old they got was guilt. My daughter just turned 5 and my son is now 7 and I still have days where I feel like I failed as a mom that day. Maybe I didn’t get to read as many books as I had hoped. Maybe I rushed them to finish something instead of being patient. Maybe I got distracted and didn’t give them enough attention that day. Or maybe I did everything right…somehow, some way, I was gonna find something I could have, should have, done better for my kids.

Mom guilt is the feeling of guilt, doubt, anxiousness or uncertainty experienced by mothers when they worry they’re failing or falling short of expectations in some way. Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. No book, pamphlet, class or conversation can truly prepare you for what you are about to experience. Even though the job is hard enough, moms seem to give themselves a double wammy by adding this pressure on themselves which leads to mom guilt.

Why do we feel guilty?

So why does this happen? Why do moms have this guilt and this feeling that they aren’t good enough? Well first, let me just say that if you’re experiencing mom guilt, it probably means that you have a deep love for your children and you want the best for them. The pressure that you’re putting on yourself, while unhealthy, does come from a place of love for your children. Often times, the guilt comes into play when things aren’t going as we hoped, envisioned, or as well as it looks like it’s going for others. Mom guilt can also rear its head in times of transition such as going back to work from maternity leave, your child starting daycare or school, or having a 2nd child.

For me, this was the case. I’ve felt mom guilt in many stages of my motherhood journey. I felt it when I had my 2nd child and I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough time to devote to my 1st child. I felt it on days when I was super tired or sick and I didn’t give my kids the attention I felt they needed. I felt it most of all, like most moms, when I went to work. Transitioning from staying at home to a working mom took mom guilt to a new level. Most moms have to go to work after those 6 weeks of maternity leave and it can be hard. It’s tough when you work all day and have to come home and clock in as a mom. That guilt pops in when you just want to rest for a while, but your child wants your undivided attention and you just don’t feel like it. Trust me, I get it. Being a mom is tough and the demands are high. Never miss an event. Always pick them up from school. You must be there to tuck them in every night after reading a few stories. We put all these rules in place when it comes to being a mom and when we can’t keep up we being to worry that our child will suffer. But today, Mom, I want to inspire you to give yourself a much needed break. So, take a deep breath and let’s talk about a few ways to help decrease mom guilt.

Keep it Real

The first thing I need for you to do to help decrease these feelings of mom guilt is to keep it real. I want you to pay more attention to what is real and less attention to what you feel. Feelings will have you all jacked up and thinking you’re the worst mom out there. Being level headed and rational with your thinking will help you to see what is really going on. For example: You had a long day at work and after coming home and cooking dinner you are very tired. Instead of pushing through with your normal bedtime routine of bath, book, then bed…you skip the book and put your child to bed so that you can get some much needed rest. After putting them to bed…here comes the guilt. Here come the worry and the thoughts that you’re a bad mom. That not reading that book may hinder their learning. That your child will be mad at you in the morning, and so on. As you can see here one small event can cause a tailspin of negative emotions. But here is where I recommend that you do what I do with my counseling clients who deal with this and that is to rationalize your belief. This is when you basically interview yourself and find out how true the thoughts you are having are. In the example, if I simply step back and rationalize, I will quickly see that not reading this one book will not have a life long effect on my child. Actually, by the next day, they probably will forget about it. And if necessary, I can address the situation the next day by apologizing or making it up by reading 2 books the next night. But what’s even more important in this scenario is the understanding that mommy getting rest is of extreme importance too! Far too often moms feel guilt for doing things that are good for them and their self-care. There have been times when my husband encouraged me to go out and do something for myself and I’d hesitate and feel guilty for leaving. Now when I step outside of my feelings and rationalize I see that doing things for me is necessary if I want to be a healthy mom. If you don’t take care of you it’ll be harder to take care of your kids. So the next time you begin to feel guilty about something you did I want you to step back and rationalize your thoughts. Really stop and see does this make sense? Is this really harming my child? Does this really make me a bad mother in my book? Most of the time you’ll see that the answer is no, you’re really doing just fine.

Be Intentional

The next thing I want you to do when dealing with mom guilt is to be intentional. For most moms, time is the main culprit that leads to feelings of guilt. We never have enough time to spend with our kids doing the things we think are important. When this is the case, I say, be intentional with your time. Make plans to spend time with your kids doing the things you enjoy or need to do. Set a realistic schedule for yourself that includes doing activities, helping with homework, or just spending time together talking about their day. Find ways to show your kids love throughout the day. My son is in kindergarten so he spends most of his day at school. Since my time with him is limited I try to be intentional and do things like leaving little notes of encouragement in his lunch box. He loves them and on days that I forget to do it, because I’m human, he reminds me that he missed receiving one. With my daughter, Tuesdays are ballet day and afterwards, we go have lunch together where she gets to have me all to herself and my undivided attention. Be intentional when spending your time and showing love. For most kids, it really doesn’t take much to make them happy. They just want your time and attention. Even if they say they don’t, they still need your time and attention. As your kids grow older, spending time with them may look differently. As babies, it means holding them and cuddling. As toddlers, it means running around and playing with them. Right now, with my 6 years old, quality time is wrestling with him. And as they get older we have to constantly figure out what their love language now is. Yes, kids have love languages (there’s a book about it, lol). Be intentional with your love and see how they need to be shown love. Mom, you know you can’t be everyplace at one time and that you can’t do everything all the time, but making plans to be intentional with your kids can help decrease feelings of guilt because you know and can rationalize that you are putting in real effort to be there for your children.

Be Honest With Yourself

This next one may step on a few toes, but I need you to be honest with yourself. Now for some of us, mom guilt isn’t coming from a false sense of worry. It comes from a real place of concern. When analyzing your mom guilt, I need for you to be honest and see if there really are things that you need to work on so that you can be a better mom. For example: if you feel guilty because you constantly snap at your kids…it may be time to be honest with yourself and admit that you need to work on your patience. If you feel guilty that you aren’t spending enough time with your kids or giving them your attention. You may need to be honest with yourself and cut back on social media and tv time. Nobody’s perfect, but there are times when we are legit doing things can are contributing to our guilt that if we change the behavior would decrease the feelings. So be honest with yourself and see if changes need to be made. This doesn’t make you a bad mom, it just makes you human.

Give Yourself A Break!!

And lastly, I want you to give yourself a break! I’ve spoken over and over about releasing pressure, being forgiving, and especially showing grace and that is because we don’t do it enough. It is not your job to be perfect, it is your job to try your best, and most days you’re doing a great job! Give yourself a break. Don’t be so hard on yourself if you have a tough day. Get back up and try again tomorrow. As long as you are keeping your children safe, they’ll be ok. Instead of worrying, try giving yourself some grace and even patting yourself on the back from time to time for all that you have accomplished. Every day you are growing, teaching, maturing, and loving a future adult, a future teacher, a future engineer, a future doctor, a future dentist, a future soldier, a future accountant, a future mom or dad, a future superhero. Things may not be perfect, but I’m sure if you think about it, you’d agree that you’re doing a pretty good job at this mom thing. So give yourself a break, smile more, laugh more, relax more, and some days, just go with the flow. You’re a mom, that’s your superpower, never forget just how amazing you are.

momsself careboundaries

LaShawnda McLaurin