How to Stop People Pleasing and Start Setting Boundaries
So I remember being in middle school and my mom buying me this new candy to take to school the next day so I could eat it at recess. Now, this isn’t something that I got to do regularly so I was super excited about it. I couldn’t wait for the recess bell to ring so I could eat my candy. When my friends saw what I had, everybody wanted so…and for some reason, I couldn’t or I wouldn’t say no. So what did I do…well, I gave almost all of my candy away to my friends to please them, even though I didn’t want to share. By the time all was said and done they were happy and I was mad at myself. This is a classic example of people-pleasing and I’m sure most of you have a story like this one from when you were in grade school…but what about the adult you? Are you still doing this? You don’t have to answer this question if you’re not ready, but let me tell you that if you are doing this you are not alone. People pleasing, boundary setting, and being assertive are areas I constantly address with soooo many of my counseling clients. I don’t think we realize just how much people-pleasing influences your mental state. Just think about it…how would you feel if you constantly did what everyone else wanted you to do, even though it wasn’t what you wanted? That has to be draining, exhausting, and frustrating. But it doesn’t have to be this way. I know it may seem like an impossible task and a big mountain to climb, but little by little you can begin to go from doing things for others to setting boundaries and having healthier relationships. I know it’s possible because I help women do it every day.
Why We “People-Please”
I want to take you to the root of people-pleasing. Why do we do this? Why do people constantly put themselves in situations they don’t want to be in? Why do they do things they don’t want to do? Why do people participate in things they don’t care about just so other people will be happy with them? Well, one of the main reasons why people do this is because of FEAR! Fear is the root of many things that we do. Fear often leads to anxiety. Excessive people-pleasing can be a symptom of anxiety for some. You do it because you are afraid of what will happen if you don’t do it. Let’s go back to me in middle school. I let those kids eat all my candy because I was afraid that if I didn’t, they wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I was afraid that they would talk bad about me. I was afraid of being alone. So what about you? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that if you tell your co-worker no that they won’t like you anymore? Are you afraid that if you don’t please your boss you’ll be fired? Are you afraid that if you don’t do exactly what your spouse wants they’ll leave you? Are you afraid that if you don’t please your friends they will exclude you from the group? Are you afraid that if you stand up to your parents that you will be considered disrespectful? What’s your fear? Whatever your fear is, I promise you it’s not more important than your peace. There is no peace when you are constantly living for others. There is no peace when every decision you make is because of somebody else. Your desire for peace in your life must be bigger and your feelings of fear. So, there you have it. The mystery has been solved. Fear is the root cause of your people-pleasing. Now you must be honest with yourself or schedule a session with me and I’ll be honest for you, lol, and determine what your fear is. In therapy, we even dive deeper and figure out why the fear is there and where it came from. Sometimes that understanding is important so that you don’t make the same choices again in the future.
How To Set Boundaries
Now that we know why we people please, let’s talk about how to stop it. Let me just be real with yall for a second. Setting boundaries as an adult is hard! This is why so many people seek professional help on this issue. Just think…if you’ve been doing this since you were a teenager (13 years old) and now you’re 35 years old, you’ve been feeding this people-pleasing habit for 22 years! This is basically all you know. This is all those attached to you know. To decide to do something different takes time, patience, consistency, and it requires you to do some things you aren't used to. You have to become uncomfortable.
One of the first things I recommend that people do is to write down the top 3 areas they need to work on when it comes to setting boundaries and people-pleasing. This is how we eat the elephant…one bite at a time. Instead of trying to flip your entire life upside down, choose your top three priorities and work toward those.
Once you’ve determined what areas you need to work on whether it be your job, family, or friends, now you have to do the work. You now have to say no more. You now have to make the rules. You now have to set the boundary. Let me forewarn you: this is where fear will rear its ugly head again. Fear will say to you “if you tell them no that will be the end of your relationship” or “if you tell them that you don’t like that idea you’re going to get fired.” Fear will begin to try and make you feel like your world will end if you do things differently. Here’s a news flash: the world won’t end. But I do want you to understand this. Not everyone will be happy about your newfound assertiveness. You may lose some people in your life. Some folks may not like you anymore. You may not be the most popular anymore. And that is ok. What’s more important: popularity or peace? You choose. Looking back at middle school me, I was a people pleaser because I didn’t want to lose my friends. But what I had to realize and what you also must realize is that if these people leave you because you are setting boundaries and developing healthy relationships, they didn’t need to be in your life anyway. If they choose to walk out of your life because you no longer live to please them hold the door open for them as they leave. You don’t need those toxic people. It may hurt, it may feel lonely, but on the other side of that is peace and it leaves space for healthier relationships to be made.
Setting Boundaries with Family
Now before I wrap things up, there is one area that I feel like I need to discuss specifically when it comes to people-pleasing and that is family. There are so many grown kids who are doing things to please their parents and it is making them miserable. And unlike your friends and co-workers, you don’t just get rid of your parents. Hopefully, they are a part of your life forever. For those of you who struggle with setting boundaries with your parents, I want you to also know that this is possible. The mistake that many of us make is that we are waiting for others to change. I hear it all the time. “If my mom would just stop doing this or if my husband would just stop doing that.” But the truth is that YOU have to be the one to make the change and everyone else when eventually get in line. If you want your parents to start treating you like an adult you first have to start acting like one. Now don’t confuse acting like an adult with being rude and disrespectful because you can be assertive without being aggressive and angry. But by acting like an adult you make the rules, you explain them to everyone it affects, and YOU abide by them with the expectation that eventually everyone else will also. Sometimes we are doing things that contribute to the toxic environment and we don’t realize it. You be the change first…then you’ll begin to see the change in others. They will follow your lead.
Guys, no more people-pleasing. We off that! Be fearless enough to say “no, not this time, I don’t want to,” and not feel the need to give an explanation of why. Life is too short to constantly spend it wondering what others will think if you do or don’t do something. Use your mind. Make your decision. And focus on pleasing what truly matters and that’s you and God.
LaShawnda McLaurin is a licensed clinical mental health counselor offering counseling and coaching services to women, exclusively online. She specialized in anxiety counseling, anxiety, fear, and worry coaching, trauma, and relationship issues. To learn more about LaShawnda’s services click here.