What You Need To Know About Grief: How To Manage Grief In a Healthy Way

Whew, if I can be completely honest with you guys, I really did not want to discuss this topic.  I didn’t want to discuss it because grief is hard for me.  I’m an emotionally sensitive person and grief and even seeing others grieve is tough for me, but I know this discussion is necessary.  If grief is hard for me, I’m sure it’s hard for someone else too.  (Yes, therapist have their struggles, too!)

Before I begin, to anyone reading this who has lost a loved, I am so sorry for your loss.  I am praying for you and I know you have it within you to get through this difficult time. 

I don’t want to provide you with tips about grief.  There are many articles about that.  I just want to tell you a few things I’ve learned about grief both personally and professionally.  Hopefully, you will find them useful whether you’re dealing with a recent loss or you’re still struggling from a loss that occurred many, many years ago. 

Grief Has No Time Limit

The first thing I want you to know and is grief has no time limit.  Like I just said, this is for people whose loss is fresh and for those whose loss still feels fresh even though it happened many years ago.  The reason there’s no time limit on grief is because there no time limit on love.  Just because a person is gone doesn’t mean you stop loving them and grief is an expression of love.  I love the saying that “grief is the last expression of love” because it’s true.  When we are grieving someone, it is because we love them.  And that grief after they are gone may be there forever.  What changes is the intensity of the grief over time.  In the beginning, it may be especially intense and difficult to do deal with.  Over time, the hope is that you are able to live, function, and continue to grow, even if you still have sadness and miss your loved one.  So please, don’t tell people things like “you should be over that by now” because that’s not how it works.  If you lost your parent, you don’t just suddenly someday stop missing them.  You will more than likely miss them every day, and that’s ok.  Don’t spend your time trying not to grieve, spend your time being more conscious about how you grieve as you go throughout life. 

Everyone Grieves Differently

Now that we know that grieving may be lifelong, let’s talk about how you grieve.  This is something that can be a little tricky.  Everyone grieves differently.  Siblings can lose a parent or a group can lose a friend and every single person in that family or group may respond differently.  Some people may cry a lot.  Others may stay very busy and distracted.  Some people use humor to cope.  While other people may sleep a lot.  Some people talk about their feelings.  Other people may internalize it all.  Some people drink their feelings, other people may eat their feelings.  It is important to recognize how you are coping, because sometimes you may not recognize the behavior that you are exhibiting is in fact grief.  I’ll use myself for an example.  After my father in law passed away and we settled down I found myself eating…a lot…and not eating any old thing…I was eating sweets.  I mean baking cooking, brownies, cakes.  And it being the holidays just gave me more permission to eat sweets.  Initially, I did not realize that my increase in eating sweets was related to my coping with grief because it can be masked as so much.  “Oh, it’s the holidays I’m just eating more.”  The same goes for people who are extra busy.  “Oh, I’m just swamped with work.”  But the truth is their staying busy so they don’t have to think about their grief.  “oh, I’ve just been so tired lately.”  No, you’re sleeping through your grief.  “I’m drinking a little more than normal, just to relax.”  The truth is, you’re trying to cope.  “I’ve been strolling on social media more than normal just because I’m bored.”  The truth is you’re doing it to stay distracted from your thoughts.  Grief comes in all types and forms, but you want to make sure you take the healthiest route possible.  Many of the things we do to cope are used so we don’t think about the sadness.  There is a time and a place for this, but eventually, you will need to deal with your feelings.  That may be through counseling, talking to a friend, journaling, going for a run so you can think, and many other things.  Some people find comfort in writing letters to their loved ones.  Some people find it helpful to celebrate them on their birthdays and holidays.  Others find it helpful to develop traditions in honor of their loved ones.  Tap into healthy coping skills, not just distractions that help you in the moment.  Be kind to yourself and remember that everyone grieves differently.

Don’t Grieve Alone      

One thing I encourage you not to do is grieve alone.  Grief can be heavy and I do not want you to take that burden on alone.  Even if you feel that you are strong enough to handle it by yourself, please don’t.  There are too many people in this world who can relate to what you are going through for you to feel lonely during this time.  Don’t go through this alone.  Connect with family and friends.  Have someone who you can be vulnerable with and cry on their shoulder when you need to.  Have that person you can call on tough days.  Have that professional who can help you learn to cope when you’re having trouble.  If necessary, join that support group of people who are going through what you’re going through.  Do not walk around with this mountain of grief on your shoulders determined to climb the mountain by yourself.  Let other’s help you during this final expression of love. 

The Stages of Grief Aren’t All Inclusive

Next, I want to address the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  I want you to know that not everyone feels each emotion and that they aren’t sequential.  Everyone doesn’t feel these emotions in that order.  To me, the stages of grief just represent a few of the emotions that people can go through while grieving, but it’s not all-inclusive.  The stages of grief do not mention emotions like happiness.  Yes, while grieving, you may have moments where you are happy and feel gratitude when you think of the good memories.  It doesn’t mention anxiety, especially during a time of COVID.  Death can make some people feel very anxious.  You may go through all of the stages of grief or just one or two.  I don’t want you to think that you have to go through each emotion, in order and that if you don’t you’re not grieving properly.  There isn’t a formula for grief.  Because we are all individuals, our process will be individualized.  So, it’s good to be aware of the stages of grief, but they are not the standard for what grief looks like. 

Take It One Day At A Time

Lastly, I want you to take it one day at a time.  The tough part about grief is that it can look calm and peaceful one day, and the next day grief is full of anger and sadness.  It’s overwhelming.  So just take it one day at a time.  Try to practice things daily that will help you be your best each day.  Figure out what coping mechanism works best for you and try to stick with them.  But if you have a bad day, remember that tomorrow is a new opportunity to try again.  It can be devastating to think about having to live your life without a loved one.  So just take it one day at a time.  The more days you go through and see that you can make it, the better you’ll become at showing your love through grief each day.  Hopefully, you’ll go from depression and sadness to gratitude and peace.  Just give it some time.

LaShawnda McLaurin is a licensed clinical mental health counselor offering counseling and coaching services to women, exclusively online. She specialized in anxiety counseling, anxiety, fear, and worry coaching, trauma, and relationship issues. To learn more about LaShawnda’s services click here.